Today I will touch on how I came about writing this blog.
As I said yesterday, my daughters adoption was an open adoption with the agreement of written contact once a year via social services. In the early years, I would receive a letter and photographs from her adoptive mum. Contact was always more than I could have ever hoped for.
As the years went on, my daughter started writing and sending drawings along with her mums usual updates. I could tell from a very early age that she was incredibly bright.
I understood that she had been told from an early age that I was her “tummy mummy” (whether this is true or not, I don’t know)
When Abi was around the age of 9 I fell pregnant. I was still with Abi’s birth father. I informed her mum that I’d had another daughter and I got a response saying how thrilled they were for me. Abi sent a letter saying how excited she was to have a sister. This confirmed to me that Abi knew who I was. As the years passed I had another daughter.
Letters would be passed between us and I’d update them on how the girls were doing and I’d receive their updates and everything was lovely. It made me crave so much more though.
I always kept things very normal for my girls. They knew who Abi was and why she wasn’t with us. I didn’t want to keep her a secret and then have to sit them down years down the line to give them a talk. They accepted this and looked forwards to contact.
Last year I received contact and after one simple google search I found Abi’s Twitter account. Finally I had a real insight into the real Abi.
I knew I shouldn’t be looking but I couldn’t help myself. I could see what music she liked, what her favourite pastimes were, everything. She was incredibly active online and had over 10,000 followers. She tweeted over and over every day. Sharing pictures of her artwork and videos of herself playing her guitar. I actually felt like I was getting to know her.
My eldest asked if she could follow her on Twitter and I said I didn’t mind as long as she didn’t make contact. But that was when the pull became too much. I found myself obsessing over her feed. I decided to tip my toe in the water and ‘favourite’a post of Abi’s. I think I was hoping that the decision would be made for me then, as I fully expected our account to be blocked. It was obvious it was us, because of the profile picture so I thought that at least then I’d know.
She didn’t block us…..
So over time I knew that what I was doing was wrong but I couldn’t help it. I justified my actions by thinking that if she didn’t want us on there she’d block our account but it didn’t happen. I kept favouriting things and even commented once or twice. She must know by now that we are there… So I had to ask myself “why hasn’t she blocked us?”
A few days ago I watched her debate with someone on Twitter on the adoption v’s abortion argument and she blew me away. She was amazing. She fought both corners so well. I truly think she realises just how hard it was to let her go.
Later that day she posted a link to her Instagram page. Yet again temptation got the better of me and I added her from our account. Within a few hours she was following back. She was only following three people and we were one of them. I panicked that she may not have known it was us…. Should I message and tell her who we are so she can remove us? Or should I assume she knew it was us? Again, I made sure the profile picture indicated who we are and as she only has a couple of followers she is bound to have spotted us by now. Yet 3 days later she still has us on her feed.
The moral dilemma though… I know I shouldn’t be doing this but I know that she has the power to hit that block button and show me that this isn’t what she wants now. If she did that I know I could stop. I don’t ever want to hurt her but I need her to know that the door is wide open for her……