An Incomplete Jigsaw

Living with the knowledge that a piece of me is missing is something that I will never get my head around.

I love my kids more than I ever thought possible. I’d never change anything about either of them. From a very early age, Lauren who is my eldest has been poorly. She started at about the age of two with asthma. It was really unstable asthma though. She had one chest infection after another and became more unwell as time went on. She was diagnosed with Bronchiectasis when she was probably about seven. I didn’t know a lot about the condition and life has been a long learning curve ever since. Our days revolve around sorting medications and battling with Lauren to do the physiotherapy to keep her lungs clear. It’s not what I had imagined when she was born but she is perfect. She’s funny, she’s beautiful and she’s bright.

My youngest has autism. It’s taken a long,  long time to accept that she has this label. I always knew Caitlin was different. She couldn’t bare to wear certain clothing… All year round she would refuse to wear socks. When she started school and had no choice, it would take an eternity to walk to school. Constantly having to stop to measure her socks were the same height. She would recoil at the thought of being hugged. If I touched her she’d have to wipe the feeling of my touch off. It’s heartbreaking knowing that your child can’t bare your touch. However, despite all these barriers that Caitlin puts up, she is perfect. I wouldn’t change her for the world. She is quirky, she is beautiful and she can make anybody laugh.

Seeing my girls growing up always leaves me realising how much I have missed with Abi though. I wonder if she woke up singing when she was a toddler? Lauren and Caitlin both did it. I wonder how she found school? I wonder how excited she used to get on Christmas morning? I wonder so many things all the time.

Now that I have the benefit of seeing that twitter feed, I have the gift of being able to answer so many of the questions I had.

We have SO many things in common. We listen to so much of the same music. She’s artistic. We are both into more alternative looks. She has piercings. She is loves Spongebob, just like Caitlin does.  She’s a whizz with a make up brush, just like Lauren. I could list off so many similarities.

It’s funny because she shared an album a few months ago. She said how much she loved it. She would have had no idea that the album she shared was the exact same one that got me through my pregnancy with her. She was listening to that very album for the whole time I was pregnant. She loves the Red Hot Chili Peppers. I listened over and over to “Under the Bridge” whilst I was in labour. Is this coincidence? It can’t be, surely?

To say that it is easy to move on from adoption and put it behind you is beyond ignorant. You try living a day with one of your limbs missing. Because that’s what it feels like.

I am an incomplete jigsaw. And I don’t think that gap will ever be filled.

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