I have spent sixteen years trying to write a letter explaining to Abi all of the circumstances that led me to having her adopted.
I write it out. I keep it. I read it at a later date and it’s wrong so I bin it and start again.
Not one of these letters have reached her adoption file that can be accessed when she’s eighteen because I don’t know how I can convey all of those feelings without knowing how much of the truth she can handle?
When I found her Twitter earlier this year I knew I’d done wrong by her, so I called my Social Worker. I was worried that I’d broken some kind of law by tracking her down. Deep down in my heart I hoped it may open a door. I hoped my Social Worker would suggest opening the contact up slightly as the ball seemed to be in my court somewhat. She knew that I could talk to her at any time I chose so all she could do was hope that I’d stick to the rules.
She told me that we were fine to follow her twitter and explained that if Abi was using public forums and social media and hadn’t protected her privacy then it was out of her hands. It was at this point that I asked if perhaps now would be an appropriate time to approach her family and ask if they’d like to write more often.
I was met with the worst mouthful of abuse that I had ever encountered. I was called disrespectful, ungrateful and told that it seemed that I thought I deserved more consideration because I’d given my baby with love rather than abusing her and her being taken away. I have never ever thought that! She was so, so wrong. She said that I had misread the letters that Abi had sent to Lauren and she basically said that they were meaningless and that Abi was just being mindful of Lauren’s feelings. I was devastated.
I think this is when I stopped being able to deal with my feelings towards Abi. I feel that the social worker hurt me so much that I wouldn’t even have the confidence to send Abi’s life letter now. I don’t think she deserves to even read my deepest feelings towards my daughter. I don’t even know if she’d let me put it on file. She was venomous towards me. I don’t think I’ll dare even ask for next year’s contact.
One of the reasons for writing this blog is that hopefully Abi won’t need a life letter. Because it’ll all be here for her as and when she’s ready. I want to make sure she has all the answers to all of the questions she has ever had.