I haven’t written here for a while. I found that I couldn’t cope with stirring up all of the feelings that I was writing down.
We are now just over a week away from Abi’s 18th Birthday. All of the feelings that come every year are rearing their ugly heads. I should be preparing for the party of the century now… Seeing my baby turning into an adult. Instead I’m hating myself for not having her life letter ready and on file waiting for her in case she wants to know why I gave her up.
I still follow her on Twitter but I’m far more controlled with ‘liking’ her posts. I have accepted that she knows I’m there, and I respect that she has chosen to not block me or change her privacy settings. Lauren still follows her on Instagram and there have even been a few messages exchanged between the girls but I’m not pushing anything. Abi seems happy to comment on Lauren’s posts and exchange direct messages so hopefully this may be the beginning of something new.
I don’t know what happens now? I still don’t feel able to ask social services whether there is contact this year. But what if Abi writes and we don’t respond? I don’t think I’ll ever know. I don’t know how I’ll ever explain her lack of ‘life letter’. I just hope that one day she may read this and understand how I messed the last twelve months up so badly, and left myself unable to make the call that I need to make.
I guess everything is down to fate now…
What a mess.