The day I have waited for, for Eighteen years has arrived…..
I have been on countdown for Abi’s 18th Birthday since the day I signed her Adoption papers. Why? Because my social worker told a very naive ‘me’ that this was just going to be 18 years….. She led me to believe that once she turned 18 she would be back with me. I think that’s why I’ve been on countdown for all this time. It’s only now, that I’m a grown up myself, that I realise how mislead I was.
I don’t know what I expected to happen on Abi’s 18th…. I suppose I always dreamt that lines of communication would be opened up and I hoped that we’d get to meet….. Even if only so that I could explain why I gave her up. I accept now that, that isn’t going to happen.
At this point now I’d like to take my opportunity to speak to Abi…. Should she ever get to read this blog. Her life story should have been put on file for her but I don’t want to be edited or silenced by the people who stole her from me all those years ago. I want to make sure that every question she may have had, is answered.
So Abi, if you have found this blog then I imagine that curiosity has got the better of you.
I have had these words in my head for many, many years but I just can’t ever find the right way to say what I want to. I have written letters over and over again and they just don’t ever sound right. Perhaps I’ve been so worried about saying the right thing (or usually in my case, the wrong thing)
I’m sorry for how the last twelve months have played out. I’ve been stupid and I’ve allowed my selfish needs to get the better of me. I’ve allowed Lauren to contact you which I know now was wrong. At the time though I was so excited to have found you. I honestly thought you’d be excited too. I totally misinterpreted all the letters that you’d sent, and as Lynn said last year I read into them what I wanted to believe. It’s hard for me to accept that she was right, but I know that she was protecting us all from my fantasy world of this big joyous reunion that I’d dreamt up in my stupid head.
I know you’ve got a fantastic family and as I’ve said in previous blogs, I couldn’t have wished for a better Mom and Dad for you. That didn’t ever stop me missing you though, Abi. Every single day that has gone by has been a day closer to what I always thought was going to happen on your 18th. I can’t believe that I believed that for all those years. Again, I guess I believed what I wanted to believe. Living without you for all these years has been unbearable. If I didn’t have hope, I had nothing…. Hope has got me through all these years and I will never ever give up hope that one day you will want to meet us.
I regret my decision to give you up and I will have to live with that regret every day for the rest of my life. I see your pictures on Twitter and it’s so hard explaining the feelings of pride, but then the guilt smacks me in the face….. To see such a stunning young woman before me knowing that, that baby that I held 18 years ago is such a talented, beautiful and smart young woman now. I still see you as that baby. That time you spent staring into my soul, the moments after you were born left a print on my heart that will never ever fade.
I hope though that if you have found my blog, then all the previous posts will help to make everything make sense. I want to answer everything that you may have ever wondered…
Happy Birthday Abi xxxxx